six months down, six more to go...

It's been just a little over six months now. It sucks. I really do dislike death when its someone young and useful and kind. What a rip off.

Kool Aid packets and wool...

Lemon with Orange Drink Aid 5 packages-I accidentally had orange on my thumb so had to improvise and make this a two-color yarn.

Lemon-lime Kool Aid 11 packages

Grape Kool Aid 5 packages

Berry-Blue Kool Aid 8 packages

Orange Drink Aid 8 packages

Berry blue dye bath - I place yarn in first then the package mixed with a little bit of water.

green dye bath - I placed dye in first then the yarn.

Well, I finally did this. I've read about using Kool-Aid to dye yarn but have not done it yet. I am now part of the many in the crowd that have done this now. I did the stove-top method and even though metal is not recommended because the powder sticks to it I used it anyway. Just scowered it with baking soda afterwords and all is well.

Each skein has 462 yards superwash wool/nylon. and since I don't own a scale for figuring the ounces per package needed I was told to use at least three packages per skein. I used 5 minimum. It was fun. You bring the water to a boil turn it off. Mix the koolaid with a little bit of water in a glasss pour it into the pot and put your yarn in. In about 20 minutes the water really does turn clear from the yarn soaking up the dye. REALLY. It also doesn't matter how much water you use to mix with the package as eventually all the dye gets soaked up anyway. And the color is permanent in the wool - no bleeding (so I've read). Although, that orange looks ominous, doesn't it??

I had lots of fun and it kept me entertained for the weekend. I can't wait to knit up some socks or a scarf with them.

strange dreams and my heart hurts...

I have been having strange dreams of people whom I absolutely know without a doubt dislike me. You know, the ones who try to keep their faces from showing how much they dislike you or try to keep from rolling their eyes each time you say something or they turn away from you. Or the ones if you say hello to them, even when you're standing directly in front of them, will not acknowledge that you even said anything to them, like your invisible or something. The ironic thing about people who dislike me is that some of them do not even know why they dislike me they just do. It happens. I don't like when it happens, it just does. Too much alike? Maybe.

Anyway, in my dream these people ask me a pertinent question about something or other that I know instinctively that when I reply its going to make them dislike me even more. I don't want them to have more dislike. So I have this terrifying feeling of even opening my mouth to reply. I then wake up with the dreadful feeling of having done or said something unforgiveable and I spend the rest of my day shaking the feeling of dread off of my back like a monkey that won't let go. You know, it just sticks and stays. Its not really heavy at first but it eventually becomes that way.

And my heart, it hurts. I miss my brother immensely. It took twenty years to get over my grandfather passing away. How my heart hurts. I miss you G.

Two Left Feet...

Went to the Holiday Dance last weekend and had a lot of fun. At one point, I was dancing a dance and then in mid stride switched to a different dance. So did the person I was dancing with. Not certain if it was me or him who led into it. It was pretty funny. Just had to laugh and kept on dancing. I really, really enjoy ballroom dancing. So much fun.

Family...

Sat Dec 5 went to the Parade of Lights here in town with friends. We went to Jose's after, had a margarita and then to Meadow Muffins for lots of fun dancing. I got home at 10:30pm (I know, I know) it seemed late to me. DD was not home, this concerned me so I started my search...
First, I called my mom, because Grammy and DD are attached at the hip. DD had just been there and was now gone. My second call to DD was finally answered by her. Turns out she was taking my nephew's sorta girlfriend (DD friend) out to his house. For some reason or other he didn't come and get her (too lazy?? don't know). I happened to know that nephew's mom was out of town. I got a bad feeling about the whole thing and demanded that someone's parent call me to let me know that this situation was ok with them and that everyone was aware of all the fine details.

This is when everyone started balking and pointing fingers. It was finally solved by nephew's mom. My mom called her and she in turn called nephew. Nephew requested that I call him, which I did. Had I known he was going to ream my a-- for his actions I would never have called him. It was just a power play on his part. He supposedly was appologizing to me. OMG, I have never had a more snotty, bratty, know-it-all, disgusting applogy in ALL my life. You know, if you want to appologize, then appologize. Don't accuse me of interfering with your no-good, raunchy plans. Do the right thing at all times then you won't have problems with someone interfering. He then went on to say a bunch of other C-R-A-P. How I don't respect him, his mother or his brother. He is so pathetic. I used to respect him until that disgusting phone conversation. As for his mother, I think she is a saint. As for his brother, I don't like his actions and I have my own opinion regarding him and it has nothing to do with respect and he has wasted a lot of time.

As for this nephew, I now think he needs to quit moping and do something useful instead of being useless, pathetic and mean and using the passing of his father as an excuse to be useless. It's old.

No wonder why I can't stand being around my own family. Its just really irritating. Thank G-d for friends. "Friends are G-ds way of appologizing for your Family." AMEN to that.

Blue Star...

had a lovely dinner with friends at a local restaurant, The Blue Star, on Monday Nov 30. I haven't been since summer. It was very nice. Take a look at the wonderful food we had. Granted the quinoa doesn't look so good with the salmon; it tasted perfect. The first dish is chicken with mixed vegetables and quinoa, then salmon on a bed of steamed spinach with quinoa, then a dinner salad. Really wonderful presentations and all equally delicious.

Thankful...

I am thankful Thanksgiving is over. I took Kasey for a walk and totally forgot that I could have been golfing. The course was empty. I think six people were there. By the time I got home I didn't want to golf anymore.

C & W & D showed up too. It was good to see them. I still feel like an outsider in my own family, which is my problem not theirs. Mom had to sit by me and I was obnoxious and told her she could get closer; I really don't bite.

I still like the saying that I read on someone's ravatar "God's applogy for your family is your friends."
I am very thankful for my friends and family too.

How can this be...

howcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbehowcanthisbe

I miss you G.

fun with friends...

Fri, Nov 20 went out for sushi with M & K. It was Ms birthday (the next day). Had a great time. Gotta love the sushi. Sat, Nov 21 went bowling with Snojets--there were about 30 of us there. Such a fun, lively group. Bowled a 107. I always try to get over 100. Dinner was chicken lasagne made with corn tortilla chips, leaf salad with polenta, and of course wine. Desert was cooked apples over vanilla ice cream, yummy. It was a fun weekend. Sunday was a lazy hazy day.

Fudge...

My online knitting group had a question today in one of their threads, it was: What is your favorite Christmas food?

I must say it's mom's fudge. No one makes fudge the way mom does. It was Gs favorite too. In fact we would always get together around the holidays to make it. We didn't last year because G was feeling so poorly and he wanted to wait for KK to get home and then he just went downhill from there and we never got to it. He would mention it that we never got to it.

I don't know if mom will be able to make it this year. I don't know if any of us will.
I watched Gs dvd last night. I really miss him. Everyone does. Such a huge hole in our lives. It is so difficult. He never quit even in the end, he never quit, even with so much pain. He wanted life no matter how much pain. I don't know how he did it.
I am sad today.

Bolero...

It was fun to dance the bolero last night. Learned to shape the bolero....ooh, la, la... and a side to side quarter turn that was very sexy. It just nice to have my partner back.

Salsa...& spinning...

Went to salsa class last night. It was difficult to go. I knew it would be for several different reasons. One I haven't been since Oct 6--so now I'm out of shape; and two because I have a very popular dance partner. T has gotten so much better and it was really fun.

I also went to a spinning get together (spinning of roving into yarn). I am going to have to learn how to drop spin. These women are such artists. The ideas are endless. I have always loved textiles. From embroidery, cross stitch, huck stitching, quilting and now to knitting.

Side note: got into a big argument with the ex-hub on Monday night. Made him call back last night so we could speak to each other decently. He did and he appologized for the prior evening. WOW, I almost fell off my chair. It was big surprise and I accepted the appology quickly (before he took it back).

Castlewood Canyon...Sun Nov 8, 2009

Castlewood Canyon is a nice Colorado State Park. It is very well taken care of. It is located on Hwy 83 just east of Castle Rock, Colorado. You'll miss it if you blink. This picture is on the lake gulch path.

This picture is the inner canyon path.

There is a cost of $6.00 daily pass per car. So you can take a car load and its still $6.00. All the trails are well maintained. And tennis shoes would be reasonable to wear, although I did wear my hiking shoes and appreciated that fact on the inner canyon path. I still need to break them in. During the winter 'yak tracks' would be advisable since not all the snow and ice will be melted from the trail.

I did the 2 mile loop that links the lake gulch path and the inner canyon path together. There is a 4 mile loop, which would be hiking to the dam and then through the inner canyon path. There is also a six mile loop, which links a the lower Juniper Rock path with all of it.

I liked the 2 mile path that I did as I have not hiked for awhile. I started on the lake gulch path, which is mostly flat and a nice easy walk. It became a little muddy closer to the creek. Then I walked up the inner canyon path a little more climbing and I was sweating after completed. It was cloudy all day and a slight breeze at times. Dogs are allowed and must be on a leash. I wish I would have brought Kasey. She would have loved it and been tired out. Next time I really need to remember to bring the dog.

Sonoma wine tour...and SF too...

This is the view from my cousin's deck. Right in between the Russian River Valley and Dry Creek Valley. Cousin L and her husband M laid out the red carpet and willingly shared their wonderful home and vineyard with myself and my friend KB.

We arrived on Wed. in SF. Had fun taking pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge. Arrived at the vineyard around 1pm. Had to go through three electronic gates, traveled two miles to the home.

L had their Savingon Blanc and really nice chicken salad for us to eat. As well as cheese with honey drizzled on it. Absolutely divine.

Had three wonderful days of wine tasting. Mauritson, Dry Creek Vineyards, Ferrari-Carrano, Sergia, Geyser Peak. Twomey, Korbel. Thumbprint, Seghesio, Williamson Wines.

Visiting the ocean and eating at River's End Restaurant. Very good service and really good food. pictures by redwood trees and more wine tasting and then San Fansisco by the bay and Lombard Street.

Came back to reality with DD having a very bad case of the Swine Flu. It was awful.

So how do you tell...

KK is gearing up to enter the Air Force Academy. Today she takes her AFES test (whatever that is).

Took T to Urgent Care on Sunday -- due to stupid gene factor. Totally avoidable.
The choice made was due to not wanting to miss out on football get together with friends.
Haven't spoken to T since --due to mad gene factor.

Last night spoke to T and as he is house sitting; his dog killed their dog. Tragic, absolutely tragic and totally avoidable. He did not kennel his dog when he needed to leave to take care of another animal.

So how do you tell someone that your dog killed their dog?
So how do you tell when you shouldn't be around another person because it could be hazardous to your own health and only due to the fact that the person has no common sense?

So how do you tell (insert phrase here)?

Directed Letter...

Last night in the grief workshop we did the "directed letter" exercise. This is a letter that you write to the person who has passed away. You can also use this to write to other people who are still living just remember to NOT send it. Especially if you are angry at that person.

So in the exercise you greet the person. You let them know how you are feeling. You let them know what you miss. You write about if you have anything to forgive. or need to be forgiven. There are about 12 items that you can write about. I don't remember them all. I didn't think I would have that much to write, but I filled up one and a half pages of thoughts and feelings.

You also write if you have accepted their death. Mom had a good comment on this, she said she would never accept Gs death. She may learn how to cope with it but would never accept that he died, that it wasn't acceptable that he went through such pain, that it wasn't acceptable that he had to deal with cancer. That none of it was acceptable.

I miss you G. It hurts to be without you. and I absolutely hate those comments of well "you'll never be without him" or "he'll always be with you." OH YEAH, WELL THEN GET HIM ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW, IF THAT'S THE CASE THEN!!! and their comment to this is "now you know what I mean, let's be realistic about this." NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE REALISTIC! GET HIM ON THE PHONE, NOW!! I am too without you. Now what?

4 months this week...

The third week of the grief workshop was about skills in coping with your grief. The speakers were very good and provided a lot of good information. I really liked that the speaker was firm about how no one, not your doctor, not your boss, not your family should tell you how to grieve or when to be over your grief. Some people it takes a very long time, for others a short time. The whole process of grief takes time. The small group was very difficult this week. We talked about our fears. KK said she was fearful that she would forget how great life can be and in a moment make the same mistake as her friend who committed suicide this summer. One thing that she remembers is that no matter how much pain G was experiencing he kept smiling and kept going.

I am fearful that I will forget G. That I will forget what he looked like and his personality traits. I believe that is why I watched the video so much. I don't watch it as much anymore.

It will be 4 months this week since G has passed. I'm not so angry anymore. I am sad. I will always be sad. I will always miss him. I will miss his voice. I will miss his laugh. I will miss his quick wit. I will miss his walk. I will miss his intelligence. I will miss his friendliness. I will miss his confidence. He is my big brother and I miss him so very much.

one tiny step...

Went to the second week of the Grief Workshop last night. I liked the video and the topic and the speakers. Mom liked last week best and I liked this week best. Ironic how each individual needs something different. We took pictures of our loved ones for the small group. I also brought the words to the song that G wrote. I was unable to read it so KK did. I really liked the photo quilt wall hanging that one of the group leaders brang to show. I would like to have one made. Its a great idea. It would be nice to personalize one for everyone. I'll have to think about it. I do feel as though I took a step forward from last night.

slow, quick, quick...

Learned some intermediate steps last night for the Bolero. A nice crossover infront and then both dance forward, turn out and back to the basic step of slow, quick, quick (or rock step)

and the Foxtrot. slow, slow, quick quick.
a huge promenade grapevine move that kicked my butt.
1/4 turn to center for the guy, 1 side step 2 twist forward step, 3 twist step back 4 back step 5 twist step forward 6 forward step 7 side step slow 8 slow side step, quick quick.

and then a regular promenade that was 1,2,3,4,5,6. Whew. very tired afterward of 2 hours of ballroom dance.

Boomerang...

Started the Grief Workshop with mom and KK. I feel stuck in my grief and yet attending Monday night I felt as though I stepped back a few paces. It was very difficult in the small group. We were not bonding at first. We got done very early with all the discussion requirements and the group leaders didn't know what to do. I took the initiative and spoke about how dazed I still seem to be and how I do not understand the simplest of comments. The others opened up then.

I have lots of questions and yet voicing them is strange. Why would I have questions about death? Death is very simple and there is no alternative to it. Each one of us are moving towards it, every moment of every day.

Such tragic, tragic stories. How do we grow through this? How do we each speak about the unspeakable. Death is taboo in this society.

This night bothered my so much I was unable to sleep. I ate a late snack, which is bad for me and then I had to get up to knit until 1am. My socks are done! I actually have been snacking late the previous week too because I didn't want to go to this workshop.

Gadsden Flag...history of

Don't Tread on Me--By Chirs Whitten , 2001 updated 2002

http://www.foundingfathers.info/stories/gadsden.html

The Fourth of July never fails to reinspire my patriotism and sense of community with my fellow Americans, even when those fellow Americans are a mob of drunken cretins and teenagers trying to get out of downtown Chicago at 11pm.

I like seeing all the American flags. I do have my complaints about the American government, especially about how intimately the Washington D.C. politicians feel they should be involved in the daily lives of their subjects, I mean, citizens. But the flag isn't just a symbol of the American government. It's a symbol of shared American values -- especially our highest common value: freedom.

When it comes to symbolizing freedom and the spirit of '76, I do think there's a better American flag. With all due respect to the stars and stripes, I prefer the yellow Gadsden flag with the coiled rattlesnake and the defiant Don't Tread on Me motto.

The meaning of Old Glory can get mixed up with the rights and wrongs of the perpetually new-and-improved government. The meaning of "Don't Tread on Me" is unmistakable.
There's also an interesting history behind this flag. And it's intertwined with one of American history's most interesting personalities, Ben Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin is famous for his sense of humor. In 1751, he wrote a satirical commentary in his Pennsylvania Gazette suggesting that as a way to thank the Brits for their policy of sending convicted felons to America, American colonists should send rattlesnakes to England.
Three years later, in 1754, he used a snake to illustrate another point. This time not so humorous.

Franklin sketched, carved, and published the first known political cartoon in an American newspaper. It was the image of a snake cut into eight sections. The sections represented the individual colonies and the curves of the snake suggested the coastline. New England was combined into one section as the head of the snake. South Carolina was at the tail. Beneath the snake were the ominous words "Join, or Die."

[Benjamin Franklin's woodcut from May 9, 1754.Newspaper Serial and Government Publications Division,Library of Congress.]
This had nothing to do with independence from Britain. It was a plea for unity in defending the colonies during the French and Indian War. It played off a common superstition of the time: a snake that had been cut into pieces could come back to life if you joined the sections together before sunset.

The snake illustration was reprinted throughout the colonies. Dozens of newspapers from Massachusetts to South Carolina ran Franklin's sketch or some variation of it. For example, the Boston Gazette recreated the snake with the words "Unite and Conquer" coming from its mouth.
I suppose the newspaper editors were hungry for graphic material, this being America's first political cartoon. Whatever the reason, Franklin's snake wiggled its way into American culture as an early symbol of a shared national identity.
American independence
The snake symbol came in handy ten years later, when Americans were again uniting against a common enemy.
In 1765 the common enemy was the Stamp Act. The British decided that they needed more control over the colonies, and more importantly, they needed more money from the colonies. The Crown was loaded with debt from the French and Indian War.
Why shouldn't the Americans -- "children planted by our care, nourished by our indulgence," as Charles Townshend of the House of Commons put it -- pay off England's debt?
Colonel Isaac Barre, who had fought in the French and Indian War, responded that the colonies hadn't been planted by the care of the British government, they'd been established by people fleeing it. And the British government hadn't nourished the colonies, they'd flourished despite what the British government did and didn't do.
In this speech, Barre referred to the colonists as "sons of liberty."
In the following months and years, as we know, the Sons of Liberty became increasingly resentful of English interference. And as the tides of American public opinion moved closer and closer to rebellion, Franklin's disjointed snake continued to be used as symbol of American unity, and American independence. For example, in 1774 Paul Revere added it to the masthead of The Massachusetts Spy and showed the snake fighting a British dragon.
[Paul Revere's modified "Join or Die" snake from the mastheadof Thomas's Boston Journal, July 7, 1774. Newspaper Serialand Government Publications Division, Library of Congress.]
The birth of the U.S. Navy and the U.S. Marine Corps
[The seal from a 1778 $20 bill from Georgia. The financial backing for these bills was property seized from loyalists. The motto reads "Nemo me impune lacesset," i.e. "No one will provoke me with impunity."]By 1775, the snake symbol wasn't just being printed in newspapers. It was appearing all over the colonies ... on uniform buttons ... on paper money ... and of course, on banners and flags.
The snake symbol morphed quite a bit during its rapid, widespread adoption. It wasn't cut up into pieces anymore. And it was usually shown as an American timber rattlesnake, not a generic serpent.
We don't know for certain where, when, or by whom the familiar coiled rattlesnake was first used with the warning "Don't Tread on Me."
We do know when it first entered the history books.
In the fall of 1775, the British were occupying Boston and the young Continental Army was holed up in Cambridge, woefully short on arms and ammunition. At the Battle of Bunker Hill, Washington's troops had been so low on gunpowder that they were ordered "not to fire until you see the whites of their eyes."
In October, a merchant ship called The Black Prince returned to Philadelphia from a voyage to England. On board were private letters to the Second Continental Congress that informed them that the British government was sending two ships to America loaded with arms and gunpowder for the British troops.
Congress decided that General Washington needed those arms more than General Howe. A plan was hatched to capture the British cargo ships. They authorized the creation of a Continental Navy, starting with four ships. The frigate that carried the information from England, the Black Prince, was one of the four. It was purchased, converted to a man-of-war, and renamed the Alfred.
To accompany the Navy on their first mission, Congress also authorized the mustering of five companies of Marines. The Alfred and its sailors and marines went on to achieve some of the most notable victories of the American Revolution. But that's not the story we're interested in here.
What's particularly interesting for us is that some of the Marines that enlisted that month in Philadelphia were carrying drums painted yellow, emblazoned with a fierce rattlesnake, coiled and ready to strike, with thirteen rattles, and sporting the motto "Don't Tread on Me."
Benjamin Franklin diverts an idle hour
[Benjamin Franklin, portrait by David Martin, 1767. White House Historical Association.]In December 1775, "An American Guesser" anonymously wrote to the Pennsylvania Journal:
"I observed on one of the drums belonging to the marines now raising, there was painted a Rattle-Snake, with this modest motto under it, 'Don't tread on me.' As I know it is the custom to have some device on the arms of every country, I supposed this may have been intended for the arms of America."
This anonymous writer, having "nothing to do with public affairs" and "in order to divert an idle hour," speculated on why a snake might be chosen as a symbol for America.
First, it occurred to him that "the Rattle-Snake is found in no other quarter of the world besides America."
The rattlesnake also has sharp eyes, and "may therefore be esteemed an emblem of vigilance." Furthermore,
"She never begins an attack, nor, when once engaged, ever surrenders: She is therefore an emblem of magnanimity and true courage. ... she never wounds 'till she has generously given notice, even to her enemy, and cautioned him against the danger of treading on her."
Finally,
"I confess I was wholly at a loss what to make of the rattles, 'till I went back and counted them and found them just thirteen, exactly the number of the Colonies united in America; and I recollected too that this was the only part of the Snake which increased in numbers. ...
"'Tis curious and amazing to observe how distinct and independent of each other the rattles of this animal are, and yet how firmly they are united together, so as never to be separated but by breaking them to pieces. One of those rattles singly, is incapable of producing sound, but the ringing of thirteen together, is sufficient to alarm the boldest man living."
Many scholars now agree that this "American Guesser" was Benjamin Franklin.
Franklin, of course, is also known for opposing the use of an eagle -- "a bird of bad moral character" -- as a national symbol.

Colonel Christopher Gadsden and Commodore Esek Hopkins

Although Benjamin Franklin helped create the American rattlesnake symbol, his name isn't generally attached to the rattlesnake flag. The yellow "don't tread on me" standard is usually called a Gadsden flag, or less commonly, a Hopkins flag.
These two individuals were mulling about Philadelphia at the same time, making their own important contributions to American history and the history of the rattlesnake flag.
Christopher Gadsden was an American patriot if ever there was one. He led Sons of Liberty in South Carolina starting in 1765, and was later made a colonel in the Continental Army. In 1775 he was in Philadelphia representing his home state in the Continental Congress. He was also one of three members of the Marine Committee who decided to outfit and man the Alfred and its sister ships.
Gadsden and Congress chose a Rhode Island man, Esek Hopkins, as the commander-in-chief of the Navy. The flag that Hopkins used as his personal standard on the Alfred is the one we would now recognize. It's likely that John Paul Jones, as the first lieutenant on the Alfred, ran it up the gaff.
[Commodore Hopkins, portrait by C. Corbutt, 1776. Click here for a larger image. Library of Congress, Prints and Photographs Division.]
It's generally accepted that Hopkins' flag was presented to him by Christopher Gadsden, who felt it was especially important for the commodore to have a distinctive personal standard. Gadsden also presented a copy of this flag to his state legislature in Charleston. This is recorded in the South Carolina congressional journals:
"Col. Gadsden presented to the Congress an elegant standard, such as is to be used by the commander in chief of the American navy; being a yellow field, with a lively representation of a rattle-snake in the middle, in the attitude of going to strike, and these words underneath, "Don't Tread on Me!"
The Revolutionary standard
The Gadsden flag and other rattlesnake flags were widely used during the American Revolution. There was no standard American flag at the time. People were free to choose their own banners.
[Flag of the Culpeper Minute Men.]
The Minutemen of Culpeper County, Virginia, chose a flag that looks generally like the Gadsden flag, but also includes the famous words of the man who organized the Virginia militia, Patrick Henry, i.e. "Liberty or Death."
[The First Navy Jack]
The First Navy Jack features an uncoiled rattlesnake winding its way across a field of thirteen red and white stripes.
One of the most interesting variations is the flag of Colonel John Proctor's Independent Battalion from Westmoreland County, Pennsylvania.
[Flag of Colonel John Proctor's Battalion, raised in 1775. The "I.B.W.C.P" above the rattlesnake stands for Independent Battalion, Westmoreland County, Pennsyvania.]
Tradition holds that in May 1775, when the citizens of Westmoreland gathered at the Hannastown Tavern and issued their own Declaration of Independence, they tore down the British flag that was flying there and made some modifications. The original flag had an open red field with the British ensign in the upper corner. They painted a coiled rattlesnake and its "Don't Tread on Me" warning onto the center, as if ready to strike at the Union Jack. This flag is one of the few that's still intact. It's at the William Penn Memorial Museum in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
After the Revolution, rattlesnake flags became less common. General Washington and many members of Congress preferred stars, stripes, and more conventional symbols, such as the eagle.
Over the years the Gadsden flag has become more and more associated with rebellion and totally disassociated with pride in one's government. Some say that this makes it a lousy symbol for the Fourth of July. But I say that makes it a great symbol for celebrating the spirit of July 4, 1776.
© Chris Whitten

WAY TO GO JOE!!!!

Representative Joe Wilson was the only congressional member to stand up and speak out during the president's address to congress. I am proud to be an American today and am very proud of Rep. Joe Wilson. It's about time someone stood up to all the lies. Finally, someone who became so tired and frustrated with it all spoke up for ALL of us. WAY TO GO JOE!!!

Tea anyone???

3 months yesterday...

Has it been three months already??? It seems like G will just be walking around the corner, and then it seems like I just saw G for the last time yesterday. Will the de ja vu never end?

I wonder what happens to G now? Is his spirit just gone?
I don't feel so good.

545 people...

545 PEOPLE By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?
Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?
You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.
You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.
You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.
You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.
You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country. I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress.

In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank. I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason.. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes. Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party. What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it. The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist. If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair. If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red. If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ, it's because they want them in IRAQ.

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way. There are no insoluble government problems. Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do. Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible. They, and they alone, have the power. They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses. Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees. We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

What you do with this article now that you have read it.......... Is up to you.
This might be funny if it weren't so darned true. Be sure to read all the way to the end:
Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule.
Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts Anyway!
Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat.
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think.
Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries Tax his tears.
Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways To tax his ---.
Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers; Then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid.
Put these words Upon his tomb, Taxes drove me to my doom.
When he's gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax, Building Permit Tax, CDL license Tax, Cigarette Tax,
Corporate Income Tax, Dog License Tax, Excise Taxes, Federal Income Tax,
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA), Fishing License Tax, Food License Tax,
Fuel Permit Tax, Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon), Gross Receipts Tax,
Hunting License Tax, Inheritance Tax, Inventory Tax, IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax, Luxury Taxes, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax,
Personal Property Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service Charge Tax,
Social Security Tax, Road Usage Tax, Sales Tax, Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax, State Income Tax, State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax, Telephone Federal Universal Service FeeTax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge=20Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax, Telephone State and Local Tax, Telephone Usage Charge Tax, Utility Taxes, Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft Registration Tax, Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What has happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'And I still have to 'press 1' for English!?
I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times!!! YOU can help it get there!!!
GO AHEAD - - - BE AN AMERICAN!!!

Tea Party anyone???...

The American government has gotten completely out of control. I am going to hang a tea bag on my rearview mirror as a protest. I keep meaning to make pins too so I can wear them. I think this is a good idea. I am tired of big government and people using and thinking the government can solve all their problems. It can't, it won't, it just makes the problems bigger.

Let's have a tea party shall we? Like are forefathers before us.

Just a few daily truths...

The Passing Of Senator Kennedy
by Michael Graham August 26, 2009 @ 06:00
The Natural Truths for today:
Every death is a tragedy.
Ted Kennedy could have spent his life cruising the cocktail party circuit, living only as a "Kennedy." He chose instead to spend his life in politics. Whatever his motives, that choice merits respect.
Much of his hardest work was done on behalf of people with relatively little political power--the poor, the poorly educated, immigrants, etc. Sen. Kennedy honestly believed he was helping these people, people whose votes he didn't need as a Kennedy in Massachusetts.
His high-risk, unsuccessful run for the presidency in 1980 was inspired in part by his heartfelt conviction that his liberal ideology was worth defending. He took on the incumbent president of his own party to make that point. He also knew what a loser Jimmy Carter was. Give him credit for that.
Ted Kennedy's family loved him. Many people will sincerely mourn Sen. Kennedy's passing.
All these things are true about Sen. Kennedy.

And so are these:
Sen. Kennedy was wrong about virtually every major public policy issue of his career.
He advocated appeasement of the Soviet Union and other totalitarian regimes. He opposed the Reagan/Thatcher/John Paul II confrontation of the Evil Empire, going so far as to secretly reach out to the Soviet regime in 1983 with the motive of helping the Soviets defeat US policy. If Kennedy's political veiws had prevailed, millions of people would have remained trapped behind the Iron Curtain.
He supported the irrational, big-government socialism of the '60s that has given us a bankrupt Medicare/Social Security system. The wildly successful welfare reform signed by President Clinton was passed to undo the social and economic damage of 30 years of Ted Kennedy welfare policies.
Today's illegal immigration mess can be traced directly back to Kennedy's immigration "reform" of the 1960s. Hundreds of thousands of educated, high-value immigrants from Europe, Africa and Asia were effectively blocked from coming to the US, while low-skill, low-wage illegal immigrants have flooded across our border. Once here, these illegals were sustained by tax-funded social services advocated by...Ted Kennedy.
And finally, Ted Kennedy killed a woman, hid out while she suffocated to death in his car, lied to police, then used his family's political power to evade all responsibility. If his name had been Ted Carpenter, he would be a convicted criminal today.

These are also the Natural Truths of this day:
Hating Sen. Kennedy, or denying his important place in modern US politics, is stupid partisanship.
Denying that he is one of the most flawed public servants in the history of our Republic is, too.

Senator Edward Kennedy passes this morning...

Its interesting to note that not a word is mentioned about the tragedy of a young woman whom good ol' Teddy left in the cold waters of the Chappaquidkick river to drown. It mentions the tragedies of his own family and nothing of this young woman. What about her tragedy that he caused? Shouldn't that be mentioned too? Its amazing to me what an illustrious carreer Ted was still able to have even after manslaughter. How quickly people forget about others whom people feel are worthless.

Research...

I'm doing research for travel to Scotland/France. I asked for info from an acquaintence who travels booquoo lots from the ski club. I was disappointed that he suggested I not go to Scotland as there is nothing there to see. I disagree. I am finding lots of reasons to visit and none not. He did suggest to add two more days as 10 days is better than 8. And go to Normandy instead. Adding the two days will leave me with some extra time to travel and extra time to rest.

Ice Block racing...

The newest craze is buy a $2.00 block of ice, find a hill, put a towel on the block of ice and race down to the bottom without falling off. The End. You can also "death race," which is trying to cause the other person to fall off without falling off yourself. Or in the alternative not running into the barrier at the bottom of the hill. Pretty fun right. Its better than drinking and driving or smashing windows. I just hope the ER is prepared.

Keeping busy...

Last weekend went to music on Friday night (Aug 7), Saturday golf in Woodland Park (Aug 8) - what a great course. Very difficult. So beautiful. Wine festival after 18 holes of golf in WP. Then home. Sun (Aug 9) golf at GlenEagle, then a BBQ at Bs home with LL cohosting. The BBQ was good fun. I stank at golf all weekend long. Had a 109 at WP and a 58 at GlenEagle.

Girls night out on Tues (Aug 11). Gosh I certainly appreciate getting together with the girls to vent and talk about stuff. Its nice to have another viewpoint on things.

Just staying busy.

Where are you now?...

Two months tomorrow...

It will have been two months tomorrow since my totally awsome brother has passed away. How could somone so vital just disappear like that? Or did He????

As I was driving around town the other day the realization hit me that he or his shop has done work in virtually every building that I passed by. All the TCF banks, the grocery store I shop in, the place I work, most restaurants in town and in Denver, places in Pueblo, places in other states. The Air Force Academy, CC. Just everywhere. He touched each piece or oversaw the making of it.

Aunt E. called and left a message that she received the CD. It moved her.

On another note, my brother's oldest son is back in prison on a parole violation. He received 180 days. He hoped for 120, I laughed at him and told him good luck with that. Turns out I was unfortunately right. Surprisingly he also wants me to write to him. I don't have anything nice to say.

I miss my brother.

Richard...

As I was riding my bicycle to work the other day I noticed a cat walking diagonally across the road very intent on something on the other side. He was all white except for a black splotch on the right backside of his head. I then heard a screen door slam and a woman yell, " Richard!!!" The cat swung his head around, looked, turned around and immediately went straight home.
I guess he knew that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

It was also interesting to me that this woman would name her cat "Richard" and even more ironic that the cat knew his name. I thought it was pretty funny myself.

We should all be a little more like Richard...intense about some things but always willing to come home right away when called.

Car no vibes...not anything...not even a light...

The continuing saga of the car..went to ballroom dancing, and when I got in my car all I hear is click, click, click. Oh bother...looks like the battery is dead now. Got a jump came home and rode my bike to work today. Now have to get a battery. By the time I am through it will be a brand new vehicle. Geez o peez.

Chocolate Milk...

I woke up Monday morning and went to the milk box to obtain my skim milk (non-fat to those who want to be politically correct) and to my utter surprise and disappointment I had chocolate milk in the box. I thought "not again!!" I was positive the milkman was just not paying attention. What is his problem anyway??? Last week soy milk, this week chocolate milk. I march to the order form feeling positive in my indignation and utter frustration. Once again to my surprise I am the one who made the mistake and ordered chocolate milk. Last week it was soy. What is my problem???

I just don't seem to understand even how to read a milk order form. You would think it would be easy but even the most easiest of activities has become positively overwhelming. KK was absolutely delighted with the problem of drinking chocolate milk this week. Sometimes making a mistake isn't so bad after all.

Chocolate milk anyone??

My Heart Aches...

oh, how my heart aches today. I try to be happy and it feels fake and everytime I laugh I feel guilty for laughing. I am on the verge of tears everyday, each and every moment. When does the hurt and sadness ease? I know it will never go away. I just want the pain to ease just a little.

As for work, I have no focus and I try to shake myself and tell myself to do better. Its not like its that difficult or stressful. Ugh.

staying awake...

I can't seem to sleep anymore. I have been going to bed late say 11pm or midnight and get up at 6:30am (I usually go to bed at 9:30pm). I am exhausted. Yesterday, I took off from work because I couldn't get up. It was such a nice day I should have been golfing. Instead I slept till 9am. Went and had lunch with K at Poor Richards. (I rode my bicycle--so I could have some exercise) came home went to bed again. Such a disappointment but it was all that I could do. I then got up and went to listen to Music in the Park, which I didn't really want to do. It was ok. Not much of anything. I did start the 10 stitch blanket for DF. Hopefully it will turn out.

Today I thought about G. I remember when JB invited me over to hear them play one evening. It was G, Gl and JB. JB was totally not focused and erratically playing his electric guitar. So G and Gl played on their acoustics and just ignored JB (or maybe it was the otherway around--I don't know). At one point G picked a song for them to play and noticed it was a song about love lost and the Gl had written it. G then said hey we don't have to play this if it hurts too much. Gl said what are you talking about? It was homework for us one time we decided to pick a subject and we were all supposed to write something and come back with a song and I was the only one to do it. It's just made up.
G says oh, ok lets play it then. It was pretty funny. all the while JB is playing erratically on his electric guitar -- unplugged because its so bad and the rest of us couldn't hear each other. So funny.

Car vibes...

Well, the car cost me approx. $400 big ones. A wheel bearing went out. And just 2 months ago the cost was $1,100.
Here I sit no longer with two jobs. Oh, how will I pay for this?
Slowly. I need a break.
Maybe give the car to KK and ride my bicycle. But how would I carry my golf clubs?

daily nothings...

I forgot how to add a blog I am following. Will have to figure that out again. I really like Cancer Banter. Had to take my car in for a checkup. There is a front end vibration that is driving me crazy. It started on June 14, and has been driving me crazy since. ugh. Since I ride my bicycle into work 3 days a week I am able to do without it for a little bit. Mom is sad. I am glad she went back to work. She wasn't going to but changed her mind. I wish I could say something but really--- there is nothing to say to make it better. My heart hurts and I am sad.
Mom is very,very sad.

G's Birthday...

Yesterday was Gs birthday. He would have been 46. Gu&B came down to plant a tree in his honor. C seems very sad. Mom didn't care for the tree idea. Its a miniture blue spruce. They had lunch for everyone too. I went out. We ate. And then the rain came. then hail, then more rain. The tree planting idea seemed less appealing as each moment passed. B told a story about G and how when they all first started camping G would take the twins into the woods and he would show them the baby trees and say that they were "happy" trees. It was a special moment for them. The sun came out and Gu started digging. The ground was so hard it was like digging cement. Then it rained again, more sun, then more rain.

It was also neat to sit and talk with Gu & B about their trip in 1996 to Moab, Elephant Hill and Devil's Kitchen. They brought a memento book that Gu had made about the trip. Someone made a journal available for everyone to write in about each day. It was neat to read the entries that everyone made during the trip.

Mom and I sat on the couch during one of the rain pours and looked through the guest book from Gs memorial service at all the signatures. Gs first wood working employer came. The general from the USAF, now retired, came too.
Mom said it all when she said "Its not supposed to be this way." I agreed.
More digging. I finally left. Mom said they finally got it dug and in the hole.

It was a difficult day, and difficult days leading up to it too. The first birthday is over now. This first year is really gonna suck. I'm sad.

Note to Self...

When riding your bicycle to work make certain that you can fit into the clothes you bring to change into. Lucky for me riding my bike to work allowed me enough leway to squeeze into my pants. Now I know why they were put to the side. Good thing I work in the basement and don't have to walk around a lot. Tight pants are the worst to be wearing. ugh

yesterday...one month...

July 8 was exactly one month from Gs passing. I recalled the day over and over again. I am very sad. Sunday will be his birthday. There will be lots of firsts this year. My heart aches.

The Kid is back in town...

KK came into the home happy, smelly and tired from her Fourth of July weekend in Creede, CO. They have the World Champion Mining competition there on the fourth of July. Its pretty fun. I've gone a couple of times. The group of them had fun too. I am happy to have KK home even if I have to ask her to do things that she should already be doing.

Got up to ride my bike to work and she had the keys to the shed because she couldn't find her own. I have asked her not to do this. I had to make her get up today to find them to give them to me. She wasn't happy but if you don't put things back where they belong....
Anyway she found the keys and I got to work on time. Good thing I got up early so she could find the keys in time.

July 4 holiday...

We got July 3 off. This was my first full weekend off since resigning from the prison. It was very nice. I slept in, made some stitch markers; got into an argument with T. Did some knitting and watched a movie. very lazy hazy day.

On the fourth, got up and cleaned my stove top. It was disgusting. Hadn't cleaned it since Jan this year. Then waited to see if T and I were going to keep our plans. He called and asked if I was still mad. I sad no, how about him, was he still aggravated? He said no. We went to his friends then mine and had a nice time.

On the fith, I got up and cleaned the oven part of the stove. Will have to do it again as I am not happy with it. But good enough. Its cleaner. Now I can start baking when its a cold day and making a mess on the stove top again. Made some more stitch markers before knitting group; then headed for knitting group. What a nice weekend. I enjoyed it immensly. I have not had a full weekend for a year. It was great and now I am ready to get back to work.

Air Force Academy dedication...

Mom informed me that the General of the Air Force Academy is so pleased with the recent work that G completed out there before he passed that the General is dedicating the area to his memory. A plaque is being made and will be placed in the area.
Such an honor. I miss G.

Last day in Prison...

My last day working at the prison was Sat, June 27. It was a very quiet day. I am so relieved except for the money part. Looks like my vehicle needs to go back in for service something is wrong and I am frightened by how much it's going to cost me this time.

It is nice to be able to look forward to being home with KK.
Life is good even without the mula.

"short timer's disease"...

Two more days at the prison and I no longer work there. Hurray, no more babysitting grown men, which is disgusting. The prison lingo is that I have what's called "short timer's disease." Which seems appropriate. I had several problems last night with offenders plus I was really mean too. One guy kept asking me the same question and then interrupting me when he didn't get the answer he wanted. I told him not to be so rude interrupting me. He said I was just repeating the same answer. I informed him what does he expect when he asks the same question just rephrased differently.

Boy, do I hate that when people do that. I notice its mostly young people or criminals who do it when they don't get the answer they want. They think they can just wear you down until you answer they way they want. It must work (but not with me) since they always are doing it. I happen to mean what I say and stand by it. I used to punish my kid when she did that to me so she learned not to do it.

Then I had another offender wanting me to make copies from a book that would have kept me from checking out books and notary. I told him to come back in the morning when there is a clerk who can do the copying. He got mad and told me its only 35 pages and I said that's a lot and it takes time. Which it does when its all in a book. If I could just run it through the feeder I wouldn't mind. He got mad and left. Criminals are so rude. They always know when they are inconvenienced and rarely notice if they inconvenience others. Isn't that the way it is?...

My law clerk Mr. Fr got thrown in the "SHU" (pronounced shoe) (stands for Segregated Housing Unit). He is the nicest guy but has a lot of problems with the other offenders. We talked about why he has problems once and I agree with him. He is a nice looking guy and also has a nice attitude for someone who is in prison. The other offenders don't like it and are insecure with someone who is pleasant. Anyway Mr. Fr got his foot broken by another guy. Mr. Fr said they were just horsin' around. I spoke with Mr. McC and he said he doesn't think so, I agree now since Mr. Fr is in the SHU because him and the same guy got into a fight. Its too bad I think this messes up Frs parole now. And now I have no law clerk. ugh. Mr. McC helped me put away the computers, which helped.

TWO MORE DAYS!!!

one day at a time...

I got the duty of informing the family down south. So Monday evening (June 22) I called Aunt E and told her. She was very sad to hear that G was gone. I learned she has been dealing with bladder cancer since Dec 08, which must be difficult. She then told me to call dad. I was hoping she would volunteer to do it but I got the honors.

I called Dad's number and it didn't go through. I think it got picked up and then hung up. I called back and R (dad's wife) answered. I informed her who I was and asked to speak to dad. She said he was asleep and wasn't going to wake him. I said ok I'll just tell you then. So I let her know about G. She said WHAAAT??? Then she told me to hold on and got dad up. (it took awhile).

I said hey dad I hear your are getting old??? He said yeah I am! who is this? I told him it was me, L, your daughter. He didn't seem to understand. I then told him that G had passed away. He said no that can't be; I just spoke with him today. I said no G passed June 8. I kept repeating my name and Gs name so he would understand. Because I didn't want him to think it was one of his other sons that had passed. He then said no, no and started weeping. I told him G was gone and to take care and then I hung up.
It sounded like he had had a stroke or something but I don't know. I had not spoken with dad for 12 years. Aunt E later confirmed with Mom that he has had a stroke. Plus he drinks so I'm sure both cannot be good for him.

I guess he did understand as he called Aunt E (his sister) at 2am Tues because he was so upset and spoke to her about it.
I am going to send a DVD of the video pictures of Gs life to Aunt E. Mom feels that dad abandoned his beautiful family for other stuff so if he wants one he will have to make an effort to obtain one. He'll have to ask for one or get Aunt E to copy hers.

...and life goes on one day at a time.

Gs memorial service...

Yesterday's memorial service went well. Over 300 people came. Imagine if it had been on a weekend. The whole town would have showed up. KK played her cello and did a wonderful job. She was sobbing in the end. I am so proud of her. She played the Avriel Laviegne song "slipped away." KK did not have the music for it and listened to her cd she had of it and figured out the notes that way.

C and N spoke of G too. Cs speach was eloquent and moving. N repeated himself too much. I know he was upset.

The video that A put together was wonderful. I was lucky enough to be walking with her later and asked for a copy and got one as she had made a few copies. I went home and watched it over and over. I went over to mom's too and we watched it together. Tonight we will go over to my great aunt's home and watch it with her. We also need to obtain the two songs written by G and recorded by Gl. I think one of the songs G actually sings but I am not certain.

On Sunday June 21, the whole family was able to go over to Dr. Ps home and see all of the work that G did in his home. Every closet every cabinet, the kitchen the stair railing, the entry way and door, mulitple work desks, his bed & nightstands, and the first piece of furniture that G altered for the doctor. The best thing was hearing Dr. P talk about my brother. He spoke about how G was not of this world. That G has done more in 45 years than most people do in a lifetime. That G was the smartest person he had ever known and Dr. P is a genius himself.

He also said that everyone with asauphagial (sp?) cancer does not live longer than 1-3months, yes months, and for him to live 9 & 1/2yrs with it is one for the record books. There has been no exceptions to this until G. With G after 5yrs it went away, which has never happened. It is a rare cancer although it is common in the Caspian Sea, which I thought was an interesting fact. It is a vicious aggressive uncurable cancer. My brother's case will be spoken about for years to come. When Dr P speaks with his colleages about G they do not believe him. G has helped with research.

Mom called me last night and informed me that I get the honor to tell dad and Aunt E. I called Aunt E and told her. She was shocked. I told her the whole story. I then got the honors of telling Dad. R (his wife) answered. At first she wouldn't let me speak to him as he was asleep. Dad is so out of it. He is really bad. I don't think he understood it was G that had passed or that it was me who was speaking to him. I kept repeating it was me his daughter and that G had passed. He said he just spoke with him. I said no. I think he thought it was his other sons I was speaking about. Neither here nor there. I tried and its done now.

I miss you G. Mom misses you G. KK misses you G.

Fickle KK...

So first KK informed me she was sooo happy that I chose the flowers that I did. Now, she wants to change the colors on them. ugh.

Work, Work, Work...

All work and no play makes for a very bad day...
Last week I resigned from my night position at the prison. No more funny prison stories. It is such a relief that June 27 will be my last day. I can't wait. I already feel relief. I just hope that I can make it financially. Now for doing all the free things in the community and no more unecessary fun purchases.

Ordered the flowers for G. KK had gone with mom the day before to help choose flowers and she brought home the pages that she liked. I ordered a red arrangement with white tiger lilies. The lady said that KK and mom were so cute together. KK was happy to find out that I ordered the red arrangement as that was her favorite. KK was a little nicer yesterday. Last night they went out to Cs to deliver pictures and put together a video. KK took her cello hoping to play with Gl. Gl is having a very hard time too. He was Gs best friend (one of them) . G had lots of best friends.

Flowers for G...

KK is being very difficult these days. I realize it is because she was so close to G. I just don't know what to do. I need to order flowers for the memorial service. I meant to do it Monday so I wouldn't forget, but I forgot. Will go today.

I now know why services are held quickly. Its for closure too. (not just a smelly body). Sorry to be so crude. Some things are best done soonest.

Llama Trek

June 13 & 14 went treking with llamas on a portion of the Colorado Trail. From Rasberry Gulch to Mt. Chumano trail head. 12 miles. The Salida,Colorado area. There were 13 of us from the ski club and the owner of Antero Llamas. He hires out and usually does not go on the overnight but made an exception for us as it was a good promotional thing for him. Very smart as there are over 400 members in the club and if they are not skiing they are hiking. It is beautiful in the Rockies and this year will be a record year for the wildflowers and berries. Next month will be even better. Enjoyed the hike and the beautiful landscape. Saturday night was a hoot around the campfire. Lots of laughter.

G is gone...

G passed away at Monday, June 8, 2009 at 11:55am. Mom said he was very peaceful and didn't struggle. He just took a last shallow breath and passed. Mom and C were with him. It was as it should have been. K called me just as I walked back into work. I left work and K and I went out there. Got to see my brother for the last time. No more pain. I am happy for him and sad for us. A great man passed that day.

Tuesday and Wednesday stayed home from work. I am very sad. Now people have the "I didn't get to say goodbye like I wanted to" stories. Ugh. very irritating.

Tuesday M from the Gazette called the funeral home and informed them that the obit was taken care of. G left a legacy of treating eveyone fairly. There is no telling how many people will show up to his memorial service. I think a lot more than C and mom plan. G touched everyone and everyone liked him.

Mom is doing well with her loss. C looks good too. Kit Kat is having a hard time and has spent the past 2nights with mom. I don't like how KK treats me when she has been with Grammy. I wish the enabling on each others parts would stop. I guess nothing ever changes when everything changes.

Friday June 5, Sat June 6, Sun June 7

K and I went out to see G on Friday night. He was not as panicked. C and mom are very tired. They each try to spend as much time with G as possible. N recommended a nurse come out on a daily basis so mom and C could get some rest.
Saturday June 6, K and I went out at night. G is in a lot of pain. Mom suggested that we come out the next day during the day so C and mom could maybe get some rest.
Sun, June 7. Got there at 9:40am. Sat with G all morning. He had the hiccups for 20 minutes. Its very painful for him. He works up a sweat sleeping because his body is always twitching. He is exhausted. Mom slept some--not much. C took a nap too. K and I went to the store for them. Then the twins arrived and D and his wife came out too. K and I left. There were lots of people and decided that too much was going on for them.
Mon, June 8. Will go out tonight. mom mentioned that she believes this will be Gs last week. He is in a lot of pain.

Fasting 24 hours wasn't as bad as I thougt it would be. I actually thought I would fail. I didn't. How cool. I meditated all day on guidance and G and continue to do so.

Almost done with a 24 hour fast. It is going so well that I am surprized. I am not even hungry or weak and minimal headache from no food. What a blessing that there has been no difficulty. I even fixed my fence this morning that my neighbor broke.

Fasting...

Fasting today. Praying for a peace for G and everyone around him. I'll try anything.

Monday night

K and I went to visit G and family last night. I was so happy to see G. He looks really good. I sat there with a smile on my face practically the whole night. Mom, G, and most everyone else were acting as if G were already dead. It is a shame that they are all so wracked with worry and strife that the end of his life is going to be miserable for everyone when it should be a blessing. I wish I could do or say something that would put a stop to Gs anxiety attacks. No one is getting anywhere. His life should be a blessing not a curse. I don't know what to do. I know that it is impressed upon me to write things down for G. I don't know how to climb over the wall of worry that they all carry and encourage one another to have.
I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help.

I know what I have been impressed upon to do and I am not certain I am able to overcome the worry wall. I thought of visiting the priest on site. Where will I find an answer? Does anyone really have one?

J at work has encouraged me to fast and pray. Is that my answer?

I just spoke with Aunt T now and she informed me that G is now so weak that it take two of them to transfer him. Aunt T is very upset. It is awful. I should have went out this weekend.

Alls well that ends well....Wed night fiasco...

While working Saturday at the Prison, one of the offenders that I had thrown out Wed night came back in on Saturday. He informed me that he had no intention of coming back after that Wed night because he was so mad at me. He told me that he had to wait a week to come to the library and he couldn't wait to come and check out books and then when he is finally able to come to the library he got thrown out. So he got really mad. He actually put out his hand and appologized to me. I accepted, and appologized as well (as I felt bad that I threw him out after learning that he had to wait so long before being able to come to the library). I also told him that his story was a funny story now. He agreed.

selfishness

I didn't do anything this weekend but take time for myself and not complete anything. On Friday, I worked my day job and came home and changed into "comfy" clothes and knitted. On Saturday, I worked my weekend/night job and came home and jumped into my "comfy" clothes and knitted. Had troubles with making a bobble so had to switch projects. Meanwhile my next door neighbor has mowed my front lawn. Too bad he didn't keep going and mow the back as well. I'll have to do something nice for him. My plan was to visit my brother but I was bad and stayed home instead.

On Sunday, tried to golf --- too long a wait so came home and mowed the back lawn. Took a shower and went bowling and then to knitting group. Hoping someone would show me how to knit a bobble. Eureka!! Someone knew how to knit a bobble. I was trying to knit all the increases together and then turn and you knit them seperately, turn several times after knitting and then knit the decreases. So now I know how to bobble. Thanks J!

People tell me its ok to be selfish. I don't believe them.

Courage...

Today at lunch, I got the following in my fortune cookie:

"Courage comes through suffering."

Does it really? or maybe the possibility of suffering? I don't really know. I look at the times that I may have shown courage and I am not certain that I was suffering or about to suffer, or that someone else may suffer if I had not shown courage. I'll have to think on it.

The little things really do matter...

I worked at the prison the past two nights. Wed night was awful. I threw everyone out except the legal appointments. Its pretty amusing now. I was so mad that someone stole the pen to sign in. They do this all the time and its irritating. I told everyone how pathetic they were that they were grown men and that they needed a babysitter because they couldn't live life legally, which is totally disgusting. On Thursday, I went up on the floors to deliver paperwork and one unit made fun of me because they were part of the group I threw out. They were pathetic. I am glad they made fun of me and that they think I am a B---- that way they don't approach me to bring in contraband.

Mr. J got his parole plan approved yesterday so he will be going home in two weeks or so. How exciting for him. I keep reminding him - ride the bus, ride your bicycle, pay cash (from legal resources), If you don't have the money for it now don't use credit. Surround yourself with the right kinds of people. Be humble. Be kind. Help the right people. Always keep learning positive things. Don't jaywalk. The little things really do matter. We just don't realize that we are doing them consistently all the time until the one time when we don't.

It must be scary and exciting as he has not been out of prison for 12 years. A lot of things have changed since he has been in the real world. He is very excited.

Mr. F, my law clerk, has also been approved for parole. He will be leaving at the end of June. He is nervous and excited too. I remind him to have a plan and set up multiple mentors. He has a good support system. His problem is drugs and alcohol. He plans to go to AA meetings and he goes to them now.

Remember the little things...

A call from S...

A got a phone call from my best friend in high school. She called to check to see how things were with G. She has worked in the medical field and is very insightful on how to take care of people. I enjoyed speaking with her. We talked about G and how he was doing. She had some good things to say. My sadness overwhelms me so I don't recall everything she said I just know it was a decent conversation.

I try to think of the many things available to people in wheelchairs. Cards, puzzles, a writing tablet, hand carving, except his hands are in pain. Comedy DVDs. I keep thinking.

Live well each day...

I just got off the phone with mom. I had called her earlier to see if she was home and got no response until she just called me back. I spoke with Aunt T earlier and she was happy with her conversation on the phone with G and how positive he sounded, which made me happy. Mom told me that he actually was holding back tears as he was speaking to her. They have set a plan to go see her on Friday. G used to visit Aunt T every Friday and rarely missed one.

Mom is very frustrated with everyone in how their concentration is on Gs death and not on him living. She is very in tune with how G needs to concentrate on living and living life well each day and setting goals for what he can do while everyone around them is concentrating on what he cannot do, especially G. She makes him set goals each day. What can you do today, tomorrow or the next day? She said, "No more Doom & Gloom."

She spoke about how G knows that he does not have his legs now and that he can count on his health deteriorating continuously. G will not get better and he knows this and it is scary because of the unknown. He is saddened that he is no longer the strong one and the one people go to he is now the one who has to go to others to ask for help.

The Hospice Chaplain did have to come out and speak to G about how he wanted his funeral arrangements to be handled. I am not sure how to approach the attorney thing anymore.

What new things can you do that is active when you are weak and paralyzed?

Dancing with the stars...

T and I went ballroom dancing last night. I had a lot of fun. I really didn't want to go as I was so sad all day long. I would really like to be able to say or do something that cheers my brother up and takes him out of the funk he is in.

I met Ts 'rents too. They are delightful. I liked them. T and I laughed a lot while learning how to waltz. I do so like the waltz even if it is a stiff and formal dance its still very beautiful and can be so much fun. I don't think you're supposed to laugh so much while dancing. I just love laughing and enjoy life so much. I was so happy after dancing that I went home and gave Kit Kat a big hug and kiss. I had fun.

Yesterday...

Yesterday I went to see G at home. He is very sad and depressed. My brother has never, ever been depressed before in his life. I wish that I could do a stand up routine to make him laugh and be happy. It would be nice to be able to put an actual smile on his face. C had a funny story about their riding lawnmower. I laughed and she informed me it wasn't funny but just more stress to add to the stress they all have already.

Anyway the funny story is this... a long time family friend who is not mechanically inclined but thinks he is (he is more like "Tim the Toolman Taylor") came to visit and C needed to mow the lawn and he volunteered to do it. Well long story short the mower no longer works and then he disappeared. If they don't get it fixed I am going to have someone come out and fix it. Because they do not need more stress. I have already made preliminary arrangements.

I think my mom has moved in with them too at least part time. Now that's gotta be tough. Two women in one home yikes. I'm sure it helps in some ways and hinders in others. Kit Kat and I only stayed a little while hopefully we were enough of a stand up routine.

Kudos to Mom and C for always (24/7) being with G during his two week stay at the hospital. I don't know how they did it without being totally exhausted. They are very strong people. It was a kind and generous thing for them to do for G and I know that he appreciated it.

G is home now. I had to work at night so I had my daughter go with Mom and G home. They got back late. The Hospice nurse had an emergency with another patient so had to leave but came back. G is not so confident at home. I think it is better for him and eventually he will be more comfortable with what he has to deal with. I don't believe he'll ever get used to his situation but he will at least know better how to deal with it as time passes.

unknown to me, my brother also said the same statment to our mother that he was going home to die and our mother said, no you're going home to live. Talk about sister and mother contradicting each other and still saying the same thing. I think mom said it best. I wish I knew better how to say things more tactfully.

I spent part of my lunch hour alone with my brother today. What can I say to make things easier? What can I do to make things easier? There is absolutely nothing. All this is new to him and to us. He has no idea and cannot even guess at what he may need. I guess that is what Hospice is for to help in those areas.

He spoke to me about how he was going home to die. I said yes you are, it doesn't mean that you stop living. As I left his room he watched me leave with sad eyes and it about killed me. I hated to leave.

Everyone has a cancer story better than your own...

I am learning that everyone has a cancer story better than your own. I discovered why I don't like to mention that I am a family member of someone with cancer...it's because people don't want to hear your story because they have their own!! and they want to tell you about it even when its the last thing you want to hear!!

It used to irritate me, now it just amuses me and I move on.

I was asked last night at work where have I been and I replied at the hospital. They then replied they hoped everything was ok with me, which was nice. I said I was fine I was with a brother who is dying of cancer. He provided sympathy noises and then proceded to state that he had 3 family members pass from cancer. I replied it must have been difficult for him to experience, he replied that they all passed before he was born or he had no personal relationship with them. My gut reaction was "how does this even apply?'', ""does it even count?" and "why is he even telling me this?" It doesn't help. I can't ask him how does he survive the pain, the hurt, the devastation?!!

Oh how I hope that I remember to just listen when I run into people with this experience. We just need a good listener not someone with a better story. Or a story that let's us know we are not the only ones out there with this experience, which makes us feel even less significant and more helpless than we already do!!

G goes home from the hospital today. I wonder if he's scared. Life is so different for him now. Just being able to go to the batheroom is an event. He went from Master craftsman to paralysis, bowel movements and extreme pain in one week.

My mom finally hit her brick wall and can barely get out of bed she is so exhausted. I let her know that my brother was doing well and the she could take her time to get to the hospital today. She seemed relieved to be able to do this. Last night she called me and sent me to check on everyone and I got to make my sister-in-law upset because I woke G up. He is having trouble sleeping with the pain and nausea.

Today my brother learns how to bathe, since the cancer in his spine has paralyzed him from the waist down. It actually has made his lower body weak as he can still move his legs they just can't hold his weight anymore. He looks better today. I saw Dr. R before I went in to see G. The doc has lots of energy. Makes you wonder if it comes natuarally or can he prescribe himself something? ha

The best possible comment to me today was that as family in God's eyes, my words, my actions have credibility and the innocent people around him are important and so am I.

Your Will be done. Not mine not others who are asking for a miracle, Your Will be done.

so you don't have to stop living even though you are dying.

email accepted

Ok, so I guess you don't have to have a google email just an active email to obtain a blog. I guess I read the instructions incorrectly. So its official, I get to stay as a blogger.

accident & death

Well, still here by accident... except I think I'm supposed to have a google email and I don't. When does that get caught?
Why is our society so afraid of death? Why do we as a society believe we can beat death? Especially since all of us, all of us are on our way to death. No matter what you believe comes after death. We all have to experience death in one form or another. Sometimes it is a terrible, horrific exerience. Sometimes it is as peaceful as falling asleep.
In my opinion we have failed to recognize the failing of not knowing how to treat death with a respect and reverence that it deserves. We have failed to help those in how to deal with death in the best way possible without offending anyone. We are powerless to stop it. We fail to help those left behind and we have failed our loved ones who are currently experiencing death. Maybe there just isn't a better way other than ignoring death.
But someday when you least expect it or even when you are expecting it, death creeps up on you and arrives.

I am the one who has failed by ignoring death not society. And now I have to bungle my way through it.

Monday, May 18, 2009, 3:50PM
Oh bother, I spelled relative wrong. Sixth, how do I edit my posts already posted to correct spelling errors?

Easy as 123...

Monday, May 18, 2009
Ok so I started this blog by accident. First, I wondered how difficult it would be to begin a blog. Second, do I really have anything worthy of posting on a blog. I suppose that's all realative depending upon your attitude. Third, is it worth having a blog? Don't I have better things to do, like say... work (at least during the day anyway) (oh yeah and at night too since I do have two jobs). and don't other people have better things to do than to read my blog? I guess that's all realative too.

Fourth, use this space as a diary for incomplete thoughts about the life and death of my brother who has cancer. I wonder a lot of things about this situation. Like, what do you say to someone who is in extreme pain 24/7? How do I not come across as some insensitive jerk by saying something really, realy, stupid? Because at times like these there is a huge opportunity of saying really, really stupid things.

How do I come across as positive instead of patronizing? How can I take away the sadness and instill that this is an opportunity? Is it really an opportunity? How insensitive is that? How do I keep from offending anyone during this incredibly, agonizing, painful time period for everyone.
And one day, I'll be older than my older brother. Oh, what a terrible, terrible thought.

Fith, how do I make my blog look interesting?