Where do I start??? Do I start at the very beginning speaking lovingly of an incredible family and incredible odds? Do I speak about the hardships and the internal family hurt and dynamics of same?
The beginning starts well over 100 years ago...1911.
The middle is at 50 years ago...where family expectations and family dynamics come into play. 1930-1980.
The near end is approximately 20 years ago...1994.
And the end is 3 years ago till now....2009.
The future begins this week and the responsibilities and expectations are soon to be passed to future generations of my family. My only hope is that they make good choices and honor our ancestors and keeping our history sacred as well as the good and not so good memories. As for the family pain that has been caused I acknowledge it and hope to promote it in a more positive, humane manner.
We all have incredible stories. We all have incredible pain and grief. We all have wonderful memories.
We all have beginnings. Where does yours start? Where does yours continue?
I find that I have had to re-visit additional grief that I feel for G and it caught me by surprise. It has greatly saddened me to the point of feeling as though I am frozen in time. I can barely function and yet I do function as though on auto-pilot. You would not think that a simple renewal of a family brand could affect a person as it has and yet here I am, affected.
My brother and I currently jointly own the family brand (yes, I do mean cattle brand--and is an interesting story in itself) and I now must remove his name from it. I find myself not wanting to do this. I find myself missing him so much I am incapacitated by my grief again. I have known that I would be doing this since last June. I have tried to prepare for it. I am very naive in thinking that removing his name could be so easily done, at least by me.
I have tried to ignore it; I have tried to just go with the flow; I have cried myself to sleep while on the phone with a loving friend who listened to my grief; I have gone back to anger to be able to function; I have gone back to questioning; I have gone back to denial; and in the end I am just sad.
I have revisited speaking about death in public which is a huge no, no, and it makes everyone around you uncomfortable. You should see everyone's faces when I do this, its almost comical, if it weren't so sad. And then I revisit incredulous as its difficult for me to understand why people in the USA are so afraid of death. I even find myself unable to say the right thing or do the right thing for others when they go through their own journey of the death of a beloved. Even through my own grief I have learned---nothing. I conform to societal norms. Shame on me.
Back to my dilemma:
I only need do 3 things: 1. pay the brand fee 2. write a request letter to remove G's name, 3. send a copy of a certificate of death. Easy peasy, right?
It is now completed and my heart hurts.
Kindly acknowledge those around you who may be experiencing their own grief. Listen. Don't tell them that you understand; and don't tell them it will get better; or that you are sorry: you don't, it doesn't, and you aren't.
"My sympathies" is enough.
Good day.
May 2012