Today at lunch, I got the following in my fortune cookie:
"Courage comes through suffering."
Does it really? or maybe the possibility of suffering? I don't really know. I look at the times that I may have shown courage and I am not certain that I was suffering or about to suffer, or that someone else may suffer if I had not shown courage. I'll have to think on it.
Friday, May 29, 2009
The little things really do matter...
I worked at the prison the past two nights. Wed night was awful. I threw everyone out except the legal appointments. Its pretty amusing now. I was so mad that someone stole the pen to sign in. They do this all the time and its irritating. I told everyone how pathetic they were that they were grown men and that they needed a babysitter because they couldn't live life legally, which is totally disgusting. On Thursday, I went up on the floors to deliver paperwork and one unit made fun of me because they were part of the group I threw out. They were pathetic. I am glad they made fun of me and that they think I am a B---- that way they don't approach me to bring in contraband.
Mr. J got his parole plan approved yesterday so he will be going home in two weeks or so. How exciting for him. I keep reminding him - ride the bus, ride your bicycle, pay cash (from legal resources), If you don't have the money for it now don't use credit. Surround yourself with the right kinds of people. Be humble. Be kind. Help the right people. Always keep learning positive things. Don't jaywalk. The little things really do matter. We just don't realize that we are doing them consistently all the time until the one time when we don't.
It must be scary and exciting as he has not been out of prison for 12 years. A lot of things have changed since he has been in the real world. He is very excited.
Mr. F, my law clerk, has also been approved for parole. He will be leaving at the end of June. He is nervous and excited too. I remind him to have a plan and set up multiple mentors. He has a good support system. His problem is drugs and alcohol. He plans to go to AA meetings and he goes to them now.
Remember the little things...
Mr. J got his parole plan approved yesterday so he will be going home in two weeks or so. How exciting for him. I keep reminding him - ride the bus, ride your bicycle, pay cash (from legal resources), If you don't have the money for it now don't use credit. Surround yourself with the right kinds of people. Be humble. Be kind. Help the right people. Always keep learning positive things. Don't jaywalk. The little things really do matter. We just don't realize that we are doing them consistently all the time until the one time when we don't.
It must be scary and exciting as he has not been out of prison for 12 years. A lot of things have changed since he has been in the real world. He is very excited.
Mr. F, my law clerk, has also been approved for parole. He will be leaving at the end of June. He is nervous and excited too. I remind him to have a plan and set up multiple mentors. He has a good support system. His problem is drugs and alcohol. He plans to go to AA meetings and he goes to them now.
Remember the little things...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
A call from S...
A got a phone call from my best friend in high school. She called to check to see how things were with G. She has worked in the medical field and is very insightful on how to take care of people. I enjoyed speaking with her. We talked about G and how he was doing. She had some good things to say. My sadness overwhelms me so I don't recall everything she said I just know it was a decent conversation.
I try to think of the many things available to people in wheelchairs. Cards, puzzles, a writing tablet, hand carving, except his hands are in pain. Comedy DVDs. I keep thinking.
I try to think of the many things available to people in wheelchairs. Cards, puzzles, a writing tablet, hand carving, except his hands are in pain. Comedy DVDs. I keep thinking.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Live well each day...
I just got off the phone with mom. I had called her earlier to see if she was home and got no response until she just called me back. I spoke with Aunt T earlier and she was happy with her conversation on the phone with G and how positive he sounded, which made me happy. Mom told me that he actually was holding back tears as he was speaking to her. They have set a plan to go see her on Friday. G used to visit Aunt T every Friday and rarely missed one.
Mom is very frustrated with everyone in how their concentration is on Gs death and not on him living. She is very in tune with how G needs to concentrate on living and living life well each day and setting goals for what he can do while everyone around them is concentrating on what he cannot do, especially G. She makes him set goals each day. What can you do today, tomorrow or the next day? She said, "No more Doom & Gloom."
She spoke about how G knows that he does not have his legs now and that he can count on his health deteriorating continuously. G will not get better and he knows this and it is scary because of the unknown. He is saddened that he is no longer the strong one and the one people go to he is now the one who has to go to others to ask for help.
The Hospice Chaplain did have to come out and speak to G about how he wanted his funeral arrangements to be handled. I am not sure how to approach the attorney thing anymore.
What new things can you do that is active when you are weak and paralyzed?
Mom is very frustrated with everyone in how their concentration is on Gs death and not on him living. She is very in tune with how G needs to concentrate on living and living life well each day and setting goals for what he can do while everyone around them is concentrating on what he cannot do, especially G. She makes him set goals each day. What can you do today, tomorrow or the next day? She said, "No more Doom & Gloom."
She spoke about how G knows that he does not have his legs now and that he can count on his health deteriorating continuously. G will not get better and he knows this and it is scary because of the unknown. He is saddened that he is no longer the strong one and the one people go to he is now the one who has to go to others to ask for help.
The Hospice Chaplain did have to come out and speak to G about how he wanted his funeral arrangements to be handled. I am not sure how to approach the attorney thing anymore.
What new things can you do that is active when you are weak and paralyzed?
Dancing with the stars...
T and I went ballroom dancing last night. I had a lot of fun. I really didn't want to go as I was so sad all day long. I would really like to be able to say or do something that cheers my brother up and takes him out of the funk he is in.
I met Ts 'rents too. They are delightful. I liked them. T and I laughed a lot while learning how to waltz. I do so like the waltz even if it is a stiff and formal dance its still very beautiful and can be so much fun. I don't think you're supposed to laugh so much while dancing. I just love laughing and enjoy life so much. I was so happy after dancing that I went home and gave Kit Kat a big hug and kiss. I had fun.
I met Ts 'rents too. They are delightful. I liked them. T and I laughed a lot while learning how to waltz. I do so like the waltz even if it is a stiff and formal dance its still very beautiful and can be so much fun. I don't think you're supposed to laugh so much while dancing. I just love laughing and enjoy life so much. I was so happy after dancing that I went home and gave Kit Kat a big hug and kiss. I had fun.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Yesterday...
Yesterday I went to see G at home. He is very sad and depressed. My brother has never, ever been depressed before in his life. I wish that I could do a stand up routine to make him laugh and be happy. It would be nice to be able to put an actual smile on his face. C had a funny story about their riding lawnmower. I laughed and she informed me it wasn't funny but just more stress to add to the stress they all have already.
Anyway the funny story is this... a long time family friend who is not mechanically inclined but thinks he is (he is more like "Tim the Toolman Taylor") came to visit and C needed to mow the lawn and he volunteered to do it. Well long story short the mower no longer works and then he disappeared. If they don't get it fixed I am going to have someone come out and fix it. Because they do not need more stress. I have already made preliminary arrangements.
I think my mom has moved in with them too at least part time. Now that's gotta be tough. Two women in one home yikes. I'm sure it helps in some ways and hinders in others. Kit Kat and I only stayed a little while hopefully we were enough of a stand up routine.
Anyway the funny story is this... a long time family friend who is not mechanically inclined but thinks he is (he is more like "Tim the Toolman Taylor") came to visit and C needed to mow the lawn and he volunteered to do it. Well long story short the mower no longer works and then he disappeared. If they don't get it fixed I am going to have someone come out and fix it. Because they do not need more stress. I have already made preliminary arrangements.
I think my mom has moved in with them too at least part time. Now that's gotta be tough. Two women in one home yikes. I'm sure it helps in some ways and hinders in others. Kit Kat and I only stayed a little while hopefully we were enough of a stand up routine.
Friday, May 22, 2009
G is home now. I had to work at night so I had my daughter go with Mom and G home. They got back late. The Hospice nurse had an emergency with another patient so had to leave but came back. G is not so confident at home. I think it is better for him and eventually he will be more comfortable with what he has to deal with. I don't believe he'll ever get used to his situation but he will at least know better how to deal with it as time passes.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
unknown to me, my brother also said the same statment to our mother that he was going home to die and our mother said, no you're going home to live. Talk about sister and mother contradicting each other and still saying the same thing. I think mom said it best. I wish I knew better how to say things more tactfully.
I spent part of my lunch hour alone with my brother today. What can I say to make things easier? What can I do to make things easier? There is absolutely nothing. All this is new to him and to us. He has no idea and cannot even guess at what he may need. I guess that is what Hospice is for to help in those areas.
He spoke to me about how he was going home to die. I said yes you are, it doesn't mean that you stop living. As I left his room he watched me leave with sad eyes and it about killed me. I hated to leave.
He spoke to me about how he was going home to die. I said yes you are, it doesn't mean that you stop living. As I left his room he watched me leave with sad eyes and it about killed me. I hated to leave.
Everyone has a cancer story better than your own...
I am learning that everyone has a cancer story better than your own. I discovered why I don't like to mention that I am a family member of someone with cancer...it's because people don't want to hear your story because they have their own!! and they want to tell you about it even when its the last thing you want to hear!!
It used to irritate me, now it just amuses me and I move on.
I was asked last night at work where have I been and I replied at the hospital. They then replied they hoped everything was ok with me, which was nice. I said I was fine I was with a brother who is dying of cancer. He provided sympathy noises and then proceded to state that he had 3 family members pass from cancer. I replied it must have been difficult for him to experience, he replied that they all passed before he was born or he had no personal relationship with them. My gut reaction was "how does this even apply?'', ""does it even count?" and "why is he even telling me this?" It doesn't help. I can't ask him how does he survive the pain, the hurt, the devastation?!!
Oh how I hope that I remember to just listen when I run into people with this experience. We just need a good listener not someone with a better story. Or a story that let's us know we are not the only ones out there with this experience, which makes us feel even less significant and more helpless than we already do!!
G goes home from the hospital today. I wonder if he's scared. Life is so different for him now. Just being able to go to the batheroom is an event. He went from Master craftsman to paralysis, bowel movements and extreme pain in one week.
It used to irritate me, now it just amuses me and I move on.
I was asked last night at work where have I been and I replied at the hospital. They then replied they hoped everything was ok with me, which was nice. I said I was fine I was with a brother who is dying of cancer. He provided sympathy noises and then proceded to state that he had 3 family members pass from cancer. I replied it must have been difficult for him to experience, he replied that they all passed before he was born or he had no personal relationship with them. My gut reaction was "how does this even apply?'', ""does it even count?" and "why is he even telling me this?" It doesn't help. I can't ask him how does he survive the pain, the hurt, the devastation?!!
Oh how I hope that I remember to just listen when I run into people with this experience. We just need a good listener not someone with a better story. Or a story that let's us know we are not the only ones out there with this experience, which makes us feel even less significant and more helpless than we already do!!
G goes home from the hospital today. I wonder if he's scared. Life is so different for him now. Just being able to go to the batheroom is an event. He went from Master craftsman to paralysis, bowel movements and extreme pain in one week.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My mom finally hit her brick wall and can barely get out of bed she is so exhausted. I let her know that my brother was doing well and the she could take her time to get to the hospital today. She seemed relieved to be able to do this. Last night she called me and sent me to check on everyone and I got to make my sister-in-law upset because I woke G up. He is having trouble sleeping with the pain and nausea.
Today my brother learns how to bathe, since the cancer in his spine has paralyzed him from the waist down. It actually has made his lower body weak as he can still move his legs they just can't hold his weight anymore. He looks better today. I saw Dr. R before I went in to see G. The doc has lots of energy. Makes you wonder if it comes natuarally or can he prescribe himself something? ha
Today my brother learns how to bathe, since the cancer in his spine has paralyzed him from the waist down. It actually has made his lower body weak as he can still move his legs they just can't hold his weight anymore. He looks better today. I saw Dr. R before I went in to see G. The doc has lots of energy. Makes you wonder if it comes natuarally or can he prescribe himself something? ha
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
email accepted
Ok, so I guess you don't have to have a google email just an active email to obtain a blog. I guess I read the instructions incorrectly. So its official, I get to stay as a blogger.
accident & death
Well, still here by accident... except I think I'm supposed to have a google email and I don't. When does that get caught?
Why is our society so afraid of death? Why do we as a society believe we can beat death? Especially since all of us, all of us are on our way to death. No matter what you believe comes after death. We all have to experience death in one form or another. Sometimes it is a terrible, horrific exerience. Sometimes it is as peaceful as falling asleep.
In my opinion we have failed to recognize the failing of not knowing how to treat death with a respect and reverence that it deserves. We have failed to help those in how to deal with death in the best way possible without offending anyone. We are powerless to stop it. We fail to help those left behind and we have failed our loved ones who are currently experiencing death. Maybe there just isn't a better way other than ignoring death.
But someday when you least expect it or even when you are expecting it, death creeps up on you and arrives.
I am the one who has failed by ignoring death not society. And now I have to bungle my way through it.
Why is our society so afraid of death? Why do we as a society believe we can beat death? Especially since all of us, all of us are on our way to death. No matter what you believe comes after death. We all have to experience death in one form or another. Sometimes it is a terrible, horrific exerience. Sometimes it is as peaceful as falling asleep.
In my opinion we have failed to recognize the failing of not knowing how to treat death with a respect and reverence that it deserves. We have failed to help those in how to deal with death in the best way possible without offending anyone. We are powerless to stop it. We fail to help those left behind and we have failed our loved ones who are currently experiencing death. Maybe there just isn't a better way other than ignoring death.
But someday when you least expect it or even when you are expecting it, death creeps up on you and arrives.
I am the one who has failed by ignoring death not society. And now I have to bungle my way through it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Easy as 123...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Ok so I started this blog by accident. First, I wondered how difficult it would be to begin a blog. Second, do I really have anything worthy of posting on a blog. I suppose that's all realative depending upon your attitude. Third, is it worth having a blog? Don't I have better things to do, like say... work (at least during the day anyway) (oh yeah and at night too since I do have two jobs). and don't other people have better things to do than to read my blog? I guess that's all realative too.
Fourth, use this space as a diary for incomplete thoughts about the life and death of my brother who has cancer. I wonder a lot of things about this situation. Like, what do you say to someone who is in extreme pain 24/7? How do I not come across as some insensitive jerk by saying something really, realy, stupid? Because at times like these there is a huge opportunity of saying really, really stupid things.
How do I come across as positive instead of patronizing? How can I take away the sadness and instill that this is an opportunity? Is it really an opportunity? How insensitive is that? How do I keep from offending anyone during this incredibly, agonizing, painful time period for everyone.
And one day, I'll be older than my older brother. Oh, what a terrible, terrible thought.
Fith, how do I make my blog look interesting?
Ok so I started this blog by accident. First, I wondered how difficult it would be to begin a blog. Second, do I really have anything worthy of posting on a blog. I suppose that's all realative depending upon your attitude. Third, is it worth having a blog? Don't I have better things to do, like say... work (at least during the day anyway) (oh yeah and at night too since I do have two jobs). and don't other people have better things to do than to read my blog? I guess that's all realative too.
Fourth, use this space as a diary for incomplete thoughts about the life and death of my brother who has cancer. I wonder a lot of things about this situation. Like, what do you say to someone who is in extreme pain 24/7? How do I not come across as some insensitive jerk by saying something really, realy, stupid? Because at times like these there is a huge opportunity of saying really, really stupid things.
How do I come across as positive instead of patronizing? How can I take away the sadness and instill that this is an opportunity? Is it really an opportunity? How insensitive is that? How do I keep from offending anyone during this incredibly, agonizing, painful time period for everyone.
And one day, I'll be older than my older brother. Oh, what a terrible, terrible thought.
Fith, how do I make my blog look interesting?
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